These Jokes Are Not Here To Offend AnyOne
With All That Is Going On In This World
If You Can't Take A Few Minutes Out Of Your Life For A Little Laughter
Then You Need To Get A Life
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries
Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom"
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen
Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out
Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill
Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill
Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette
The blonde has to stop to ask for directions
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk"
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer
Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter"
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please
I could never eat twelve pieces"
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade
Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet
Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life
A: Third grade
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any
Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow
Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe
Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache
Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door
Q: What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A: A blonde at a blinking red light
Q: Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for blondes?
A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom
Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
A: They're refuelling
Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
A: She didn't want one for nights
Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man
Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner
Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out
Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
A: A dumb terminal
Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them
Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter"
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up
Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia
Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds"
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking
Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries
"Locked Car"
A blonde woman is driving down the road
She notices that she's low on gas
She stops at a gas station
While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car
She goes inside to pay
She asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock
Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around
The blonde inside the car is saying
"A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."
Tony The Tiger
One morning a blonde called her boyfriend
"Please come over and help me, she said to him
I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle
I can't figure out how to start it"
Her boyfriend asked "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde said "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger"
The blonde' s boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles
He heads over to her place
She lets him in the door
She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table
He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box
He then turns to her and says
"First,
No matter what I do,
I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger
Second,
I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee
Then you should put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box"
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RASKY'S VIETNAM MEMORIAL
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Recommend Rasky's Site To A Friend!
RASKY'S VIETNAM MEMORIAL
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED