FOR WOMEN ONLY
A Prayer For Angels
For They Are The Women That We Love
I prayed for Angels to guard you night and day
I prayed they would hover and keep harm away
If you hear the swish of wings or feel a gentle touch
I know God heard my prayer today and loves you very much
Author Unknown
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor
And you realize that you are now so old,
That you have to pay someone to look at you naked
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full
Of course,
The bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms
We have wingspans
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts
We are flying squirrels in drag
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror
And can see your rear end without turning around
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram
And you realize it is the only time
Someone will ask you to appear topless in film
You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold
When you're in the grocery store
And you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the Produce Department
Mid-life is when you bounce a lot
But you don't bounce back
It's more like Splat!
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves
And that you're now sitting on your biggest ones
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life
Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally
More red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream
"Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side
You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager
And think, "For this I have stretch marks?
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself
Ad your chins follow suit
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog
Yu'd need a control top flea collar
Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go
The only thing you still retain is water
You become more reflective in mid-life
You start pondering the "Big Questions"
What is life?
Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
Author Unknown
A Woman's Strength
Women have strengths that amaze men
They carry children
They carry hardships
They carry burdens
They hold happiness, love and joy
They smile when they want to scream
They sing when they want to cry
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous
They fight for what they believe in
They stand up for injustice
They don't take "no" for an answer
When they believe that there is a better solution
They go without new shoes so their children can have them
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend
They love unconditionally
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage
Their hearts break when a friend dies
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member
Yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal broken heart
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes
They'll drive
Fly
Walk
Run
Or e-mail you to show how much they care about you
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth
They bring joy and hope
They give compassion and ideals
They give moral support to their family and friends
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give
Author Unknown
Always Have A Dream
Forget about the day when it's been cloudy
But don't forget your hours in the sun
Forget about the times you've been defeated
But don't forget the victories that you've won
Forget about mistakes that you can't change now
But don't forget the lessons that you've learned
Forget about misfortunes you encounter
But don't forget the times your luck has turned
Forget about the days when you've been lonely
But don't forget the friendly smiles you've seen
Forget about the plans that didn't work out right,
But don't forget to always have a dream
Author Unknown
A Fairy Tale For The Assertive Woman Of The New Millennium
Once upon a time, in a land far away
A beautiful, independent, self assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said
Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince
Then an evil witch cast a spell upon me
One kiss from you,
However, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am
Then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle
My Mother will live with us also
Then you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes
You can also bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so
That night
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce
She chuckled to herself and though:
I Don't "Freaking" Think So
Author Unknown
Simple Oil Change?
Oil Change Instructions For Women
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last
oil change
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later
Write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle
Money Spent
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00
Oil Change Instructions For Men
1) Go to auto parts store
Write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
And a scented tree
2) Discover that the used oil container is full
Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly! to recycle
He dumps it in a hole in back yard
3) Open a beer and drink it
4) Jack car up
Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it
7) Place drain pan under engine
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench
10) Unscrew drain plug
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process
12) Clean up mess
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain
14) Look for oil filter wrench
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off
16) Beer
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him
Finish oil change tomorrow
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car
19) Throw kitty litter on! oil spilled during step 18
20) Beer, no, drank it all yesterday
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine
24) Remember drain plug from step 11
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
Along with the drain plug
27) Drink beer
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor
30) Drink beer
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31
33) Begin cussing fit
34) Throw wrench
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
Because wrench hit Miss December, 1992, in the left boob
35) Beer
36) Clean up hands and forehead
And bandage as required to stop blood flow
37) Beer
38) Beer
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil
40) Beer
41) Lower car from jack stands
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23
44) Beer
45) Test drive car
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence
47) Car gets impounded
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard
Money Spent
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
Hey, the colors have to match!!!!
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound ! And towing fee
$1,350.00 Total
Author Unknown
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