Holiday Eating Tips


Avoid Carrot Sticks
Anyone Who Puts Carrots On A Holiday Buffet Table
Knows Nothing Of The Christmas Spirit
In Fact, If You See Carrots, Leave Immediately
Go Next Door, Where They Are Serving Rum Balls


Drink As Much Eggnog As You Can And Quickly
Like Fine Single-Malt Scotch, It's Rare
In Fact, It's Even Rarer Than Single-Malt Scotch
You Can't Find It Any Other Time Of Year But Now
So Drink Up!
Who Cares That It Has 10,000 Calories In Every Sip?
It's Not As If You're Going To Turn Into An Eggnog-A-Holic Or Something
It's A Treat
Enjoy It
Have One For Me
Have Two
It's Later Than You Think
It's Christmas!


If Something Comes With Gravy, Use It
That's The Whole Point Of Gravy
Gravy Does Not Stand Alone
Pour It On
Make A Volcano Out Of Your Mashed Potatoes
Fill It With Gravy
Eat The Volcano


As For Mashed Potatoes
Always Ask If They Are Made With Skim Milk Or Whole Milk
If It's Skim, Pass On It
Why Bother?
It's Like Buying A Sports Car With An Automatic Transmission


Do Not Have A Snack Before Going To A Party In An Effort To Control Your Eating
The Whole Point Of Going To A Christmas Party Is To Eat Other People's Food For Free
Lots Of It


Under No Circumstances Should You Exercise Between Now And New Year's
You Can Do That In January When You Have Nothing Else To Do
This Is The Time For Long Naps
Which You Will Need After Circling The Buffet Table While Carrying A 10-Pound Plate Of Food And That Vat Of Eggnog


If You Come Across Something Really Good At A Buffet Table
Like Frosted Christmas Cookies In The Shape And Size Of Santa
Position Yourself Near Them And Don't Budge
Have As Many As You Can Before Becoming The Center Of Attention
They're Like A Beautiful Pair Of Shoes
If You Leave Them Behind
You Are Never Going To See Them Again


Same For Pies
Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat
Have A Slice Of Each
Or, If You Don't Like Mincemeat, Have Two Apples And One Pumpkin
Always Have Three
When Else Do You Get To Have More Than One Dessert?


Did Someone Mention Fruitcake?
Granted, It's Loaded With The Mandatory, Celebratory Calories
But Avoid It At All Cost
I Mean, Have Some Standards


One Final Tip

If You Don't Feel Terrible When You Leave The Party Or Get Up From The Table
You Haven't Been Paying Attention
Reread Tips
Start Over But Hurry
January Is Just Around The Corner

Remember This Motto To Live By

Life Should NOT Be A Journey To The Grave
With The Intention Of Arriving Safely In An Attractive And Well Preserved Body
But Rather To Skid In Sideways
Chocolate In One Hand
Eggnog In The Other
Body Thoroughly Used Up
Totally Worn Out And Screaming
What A Ride!"

Author Unknown

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