These Jokes Are Not Meant To Slam Our Police Officers
They Are Underpaid And Do A Hard Enough Job As It Is
We Respect Them All
It Is Only Meant As Humor
Our Friend Jay Is Very Respected By Us
We Admire Anyone Who Works In The 'Line of Fire' Daily
This Page Is Dedicated To Him
Rick And Bobbie

What Not To Say To A Police Officer!

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
OK in Texas

Sorry, Officer
I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

You must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me
Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a good officer

You're not gonna check the trunk
Are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer!
That's terrific
The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over?
Just so one of us does

I was trying to keep up with traffic
I know there are no other cars around
That's how far ahead of me they are

When the Officer says
"Gee Son"
"Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with
"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

The Accident

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues
As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911
In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief
"I can't believe how materialistic you high rollin' lawyers are," he said
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else"
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?
It must have been torn off when the truck hit you"

"Oh My God," Screamed The Lawyer
"My Rolex!!!!"

The Priest And The Rabbi

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day
And by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force
Both cars are totally demolished
But amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him

After they crawl out of their cars
The rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest
I'm a Rabbi
Just look at our cars
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt
This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues
"God must have meant that we should meet
That we share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth"
The priest replies
"I agree with you completely
This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims
"And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune"
The priest nods in agreement
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest
The priest drinks half the bottle and hands it back to the rabbi
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on it
He then hands it back to the priest
The priest, baffled
"Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah"
"I think I'll wait for the police"

Ten Ways You Know You Married a COP!

When you start an argument
He calls for back-up

Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"

Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie

Calls farting his "silent alarm"

The obvious night-stick reference

You never hear him say
" OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"

Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzeer!"

Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going

Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore

And Reason #1
That Is A Gun In His Pocket !!!!!

Mary Had A Little Gun

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," Replied Mary
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father"
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied
"He said"
"Please, Mary"
"Put down the gun..."

Town Drunk

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench
One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated

He Thundered

"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution
There you will be hanged by the neck until DEAD"
The drunk promptly fainted
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man
He looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded

"I've just always wanted to say that"


A dirtbag breaks into a house and hears a voice say

"Jesus is watching you"

He freezes up for a second, takes a look around
When he didn't see anybody, he reaches for the VCR and hears the voice again

"Jesus is watching you"

He looks around again and notices a parrot over in the corner of the room
He reaches for the VCR again

The parrot says
"Jesus is watching you"

He walks over to the parrot and asks it what it's name was

The parrot told him "Moses"

The criminal asked the parrot what kind of idiot named a parrot Moses

The parrot said
"The same kind of idiot that would name a doberman Jesus"

I Can't Get Up!


How many policemen does it take to throw someone down a flight of stairs?


He fell!

The CIA went into the forest
They placed animal informants throughout
They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses
After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist

The FBI went into the forest
After two weeks without a capture
They burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit
They made no apologies
The rabbit deserved it

The City PD went into the forest
They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear
The bear was yelling, "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit"


A couple of Ft. Hood soldiers decided to "help" the Military Police
Instead, they helped themselves to some jail time
While performing security checks on a building these would-be thieves found that a door was left unlocked
After investigating they discovered several thousand dollars worth of computer equipment inside

They promptly went for a truck to load up their new found treasure and carted them off to a pawn shop
What they forgot to do was remove the information on the computers
The pawn shop owner turned the computers on and then picked up the phone to place two calls
The first was to the police
The second was to the Military unit that was listed on the opening display of the computer
Because the thieves were from the unit listed it was a simple matter to find out who they were by just checking the duty roster for who was on duty the day the computers were reported missing

Fairborn, Ohio

The police were called to a fast food restaraunt on a robbery
Upon arrival the suspect had fled
Sitting on the counter was the suspects wallet
Inside the wallet was the suspect's parole ID card
A K-9 unit tracked the suspect to a nearby residence where the person pictured on the ID was found
The suspect was asked for his ID
The suspect said his wallet was in the bedroom
But for some reason he could not locate it
Until, that is, the officer showed it to him

Boynton Beach, Florida

The KFC in Boynton Beach was robbed at gunpoint around 10:30 pm on February 4th, 2000
The thieves pistol whipped and robbed several customers and then fled from the restaurant with two cash registers . . . and ran right into a patrol car
The robbers did not pick the most opportune site for their heist
This particular KFC is right across the street from the Boynton Beach Police Department
To make matters worse 10:30 pm is shift change when as many as 25 officers are at the station
The two robbers are now in custody


A Wheeling, West Virginia man was caught after robbing a bank in Ohio
Because he called 911 immediately after the robbery
To see if there were any arrest warrants issued for him yet


A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc.
One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman
She wanted to have her husband killed
She got 4-1/2 years in jail

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