Cops 2

Jim Goes To A Party And Has Too Much To Drink
His Friends Plead With Him To Let Them Take Him Home
Jim Says No Because He Only Lives About A Mile Away

About five blocks from The party, the police pull him over for weaving
They Ask Him For His License, Registration And Proof Of Insurance
Then They Notice The Smell Of Alchohol On His Breath
They ask him to get out of the car and walk the line
Doing As He Is Told he starts To walk the line

Then the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
It Is taking place in a house just a block away
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back
They hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery

Jim waits and waits and finally decides to drive home
When he gets Home, he tells his wife he is going to bed
And to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu
He Asks Her To Tell Them He has been in bed all day

A few hours later the police knock on the door
They ask if Mr. Jim Jones is there and his wife says yes
They ask to see him
She replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day

The Police Have Jim's Driver's License And Know This Is Not True
They Ask To See Her Husband's Car And She Asks Why
They Insist On Seeing His Car, So She Takes Them To The Garage
She Opens The Door To The Garage
There Sitting In The Garage Is The Police Car, With All Of Its Lights Still Flashing

This Is A True Story
It Was Told By The Driver At His First AA Meeting

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said
"I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrolman's Ball"
He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls"
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car
Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two 20 dollar-bills
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders
But one day, everyone was driving under the speed limit
The officer wondered why?
So he drove a little ways back up the road and found the reason why

A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road
He had a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD"
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice
It was another 10 year old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap
He was holding a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet was full of change

The Old Bag Is Gone

A man was arrested in San Antonio when police found a suspicious plastic bag in his vehicle
He told officers it was the ashes of his grandmother
But tests showed it positive for methamphetamine
He spent a month in jail
He is suing now that later tests showed the bag, in fact, contained human ashes
Police were unable to give back his grandmother
Because the ashes were used up in the tests

A criminal broke into a guy's house and shoved the old man into a closet
He shoved him into the closet that held the man's gun collection

At Last Report
The criminal was in critical condition

In Modesto, CA
A man was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon
The Man used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun
But unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket

A man went into a drug store
Pulled a gun
Announced a robbery
And pulled a Hefty bag face mask over his head
And realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask

After a short chase
An Officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI
The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway
With the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood
When the Officer asked the drunk driver about the pole
He responded
"It came with the car when I bought it"

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
Who just couldn't control himself during a lineup
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot"
The man shouted
"That's not what I said!"

A Des Moines convenience store clerk noticed a car pull up to the gas pumps
This car the night before, had been involved in a theft of gasoline incident

The clerk, upon identifying the car, turned the gas pump on for the driver thinking that doing so would make police get to the store's location faster to catch the thief in the act
The car's driver filled up and once again, left the store without paying for gas!!

A man in Orange County Municipal Court
Had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane
He claimed that the four frozen cadavers
In the mortuary van he was driving should be counted
The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers
The first one shouted
"Nobody move!"
When his partner moved
The startled first bandit shot him

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