This Is Our Dedication To Erma Bombeck
A Wonderful Lady From Our Hometown
Who Lost Her Life To Cancer
You Were Much Loved
And Are Tearfully Missed

Take The Time To Stop And Smell The Roses
Life Is Much Too Short

Erma Bombeck

Your Words Will Live On

Quotes From Erma Bombeck

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers
Before you decide on marriage
If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot
Dump Him

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place
Where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade
It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity
To Women
It's on the same domestic entry level
As putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder
Or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw

I don't know why
No one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle
Giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it
Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows

Giving birth
Is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child
Then the mother is born

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion
With stop offs at tedium and counter productivity

There's a territorial ritual to an aerobics class
I entered a class for the first time a few years ago
And ended up where no one wanted to be
In the front row next to the mirror
It was three years before I could work my way to the back row

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown

I have never gone to the bathroom in my life
That a small voice on the other side of the door hasn't whined
"Are you saving the bananas for anything?"

Some say our national pastime is baseball
Not me
It's gossip

Graduation day is tough for adults
They go to the ceremony as parents
They come home as contemporaries
After twenty-two years of child-rearing
They are unemployed

Marriage has no guarantees
If that's what you're looking for
Go live with a car battery

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise
And look like your passport photo

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength
They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club
You're not out of it until the computer SAYS you're out of it

Why is it when you want a nice souvenir
You find a great shell in a gift shop
But some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information
They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti
Who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago
Who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog
And who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed

In their infinite wisdom
Decreed that Little League uniforms be white?
Certainly not a mother

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife
The rules are the same
Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing
Allow for room to grow

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday

On vacations

We hit the sunny beaches
Where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin
The saltwater off our bodies and the sand out of our belongings

Mother's words of wisdom

"Answer me!
Don't talk with food in your mouth!"

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage
Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them

Most children's first words are "Mama" or "Daddy"
Mine were
"Do I have to use my own money?"

Sometimes I can't figure designers out
It's as if they flunked human anatomy

I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once
After I saw an ad on television
Where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed
Exactly one week after I bought them
One of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it
When I asked what happened to it
He said it hit a tree
I don't want to talk about it

My theory on housework is

If the item doesn't multiply
Catch on fire
Or block the refrigerator door
Let it be.
No one cares
Why should you?

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses
Be sure they're not trying to keep up with you

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen?
It takes one to say
"What light?"
And two more to say
"I didn't turn it on"

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time

Everyone is guilty at one time or another
Of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored
Mothers seem to have a market on the supply
"Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?"
Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?"
Wasn't there any change?"

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic
Without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society
Where it is traditional to wear clothes

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant
We once had a waiter in Canada who said
"Could I get you your check?"
We answered
"How about the menu first?"

Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes
Which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster fur
Who gets carsick
And who isn't kidding when he stands outside the bathroom door
And tells you what's going to happen if he doesn't get in right away
It's tough
If they all have the same hair color they tend to run together

When your mother asks
"Do you want a piece of advice?"
It's a mere formality
It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no
You're going to get it anyway

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed
I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it
Because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked
This is sick

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest
They're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor
Or the music that numbs your teeth
Or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain
They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator
It's like being the vice president of the United States

Christmas Shopping

Wouldn't it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn't have to dust
That had to be used right away
That was practical
Fit everyone
Was personal and would be remembered for a long time?
I penciled in "Gift certificate for a flu shot"

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died

I am not a glutton
I am an explorer of food

It goes without saying
That you should never have more children than you have car windows

Dreams have but one owner at a time
That is why dreamers are lonely

It is fast approaching the point
Where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job

Don't confuse fame with success
Madonna is one
Helen Keller is the other

I was thirty-seven when I went to work writing the column
I was too old for a paper route
Too young for Social Security
And too tired for an affair

Dreams have only one owner at a time
That's why dreamers are lonely

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it

Seize the moment
Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart

It seemed rather incongruous
That in a society of supersophisticated communication
We often suffer from a shortage of listeners

My mind works
Two boobs never get me a job

The suburbs were discovered, quite by accident
One day in the early 1940's by a Welcome Wagon lady who was lost

Good kids are like sunsets
We take them for granted
Every evening they disappear
Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us
And how miserable they feel when they think they have failed

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades
I've lost a total of 789 pounds
BY all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet

I do not participate in a sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row
Should be declared brain dead

It is not until you become a mother
That your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes
It's unbridled
It's unplanned
It's full of surprises

The bad times I can handle
It's the good times that drive me crazy
When is the other shoe going to drop?

When I stand before God at the end of my life
I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say
"I used everything you gave me"

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again
By Erma Bombeck

I would have talked less and listened more

I would have invited friends over to dinner
Even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded

I would have eaten the popcorn in the "GOOD" living room
And worried much less About the dirt
When someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day
Because my hair had just been teased and sprayed

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose
Before it melted in storage

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television
And more while watching life

I would have gone to bed when I was sick
Instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern
If I weren't there for the day

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical
Wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy
I'd have cherished every moment
Realizing that the wonderment growing inside me
Was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle

When my kids kissed me impetuously
I would never have said
Now go get washed up for dinner"

There would have been more "I love you's"
More "I'm sorry's"

But mostly
Given another shot at life
I would seize every minute
Look at it and really see it
Live it and never give it back

Erma Bombeck

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