A Prayer For Angels
For They Are The Women That We Love

I prayed for Angels to guard you night and day
I prayed they would hover and keep harm away
If you hear the swish of wings or feel a gentle touch
I know God heard my prayer today and loves you very much

Author Unknown

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor
And you realize that you are now so old,
That you have to pay someone to look at you naked

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full
Of course,
The bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms
We have wingspans
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts
We are flying squirrels in drag

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror
And can see your rear end without turning around

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram
And you realize it is the only time
Someone will ask you to appear topless in film

You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold
When you're in the grocery store
And you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the Produce Department

Mid-life is when you bounce a lot
But you don't bounce back
It's more like Splat!

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves
And that you're now sitting on your biggest ones

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life
Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally
More red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream
"Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side
You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager
And think, "For this I have stretch marks?

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself
Ad your chins follow suit

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog
Yu'd need a control top flea collar

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go
The only thing you still retain is water

You become more reflective in mid-life
You start pondering the "Big Questions"
What is life?
Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Author Unknown

A Woman's Strength

Women have strengths that amaze men

They carry children

They carry hardships

They carry burdens

They hold happiness, love and joy

They smile when they want to scream

They sing when they want to cry

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous

They fight for what they believe in

They stand up for injustice

They don't take "no" for an answer
When they believe that there is a better solution

They go without new shoes so their children can have them

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend

They love unconditionally

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage

Their hearts break when a friend dies

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member

Yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal broken heart

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes

They'll drive
Or e-mail you to show how much they care about you

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth

They bring joy and hope

They give compassion and ideals

They give moral support to their family and friends

Women have a lot to say and a lot to give

Author Unknown

Always Have A Dream

Forget about the day when it's been cloudy
But don't forget your hours in the sun
Forget about the times you've been defeated
But don't forget the victories that you've won

Forget about mistakes that you can't change now
But don't forget the lessons that you've learned
Forget about misfortunes you encounter
But don't forget the times your luck has turned

Forget about the days when you've been lonely
But don't forget the friendly smiles you've seen
Forget about the plans that didn't work out right,
But don't forget to always have a dream

Author Unknown

A Fairy Tale For The Assertive Woman Of The New Millennium

Once upon a time, in a land far away

A beautiful, independent, self assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said
Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince
Then an evil witch cast a spell upon me

One kiss from you,
However, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am
Then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle
My Mother will live with us also
Then you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes
You can also bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so

That night
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce
She chuckled to herself and though:

I Don't "Freaking" Think So

Author Unknown

Simple Oil Change?

Oil Change Instructions For Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later
Write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle

Money Spent

$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee

Total = $21.00

Oil Change Instructions For Men

1) Go to auto parts store
Write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
And a scented tree

2) Discover that the used oil container is full
Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly! to recycle
He dumps it in a hole in back yard

3) Open a beer and drink it

4) Jack car up
Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it

7) Place drain pan under engine

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench

9) Give up and use crescent wrench

10) Unscrew drain plug

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process

12) Clean up mess

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain

14) Look for oil filter wrench

15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off

16) Beer

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him
Finish oil change tomorrow

18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car

19) Throw kitty litter on! oil spilled during step 18

20) Beer, no, drank it all yesterday

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine

24) Remember drain plug from step 11

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan

26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
Along with the drain plug

27) Drink beer

28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor

30) Drink beer

31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame

32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31

33) Begin cussing fit

34) Throw wrench

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
Because wrench hit Miss December, 1992, in the left boob

35) Beer

36) Clean up hands and forehead
And bandage as required to stop blood flow

37) Beer

38) Beer

39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil

40) Beer

41) Lower car from jack stands

42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23

44) Beer

45) Test drive car

46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence

47) Car gets impounded

48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard

Money Spent

$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
Hey, the colors have to match!!!!
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound ! And towing fee

$1,350.00 Total

Author Unknown

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